Co-dependence? Or Dependent Co-arising?
In exercise during retreat at Naropa yesterday, I was asked to place myself in the center of a circle of seven classmates. The instructions were to control the movements of the people in the circle, non-verbally, through body language, primarily hand signals. It was suggested we control placement of each person’s gaze, as well as body.
In reflection this morning, I wrote the following:
I desired to (needed to?) take care of all others’ comfort. To this end, I looked each person in the eye. What I wanted to say was “I won’t fuck with you. I will not confuse and manipulate you.” The challenge was, do I know how to not do those things in relationship.
I moved each of you around for a moment, trying to place you in the shade, where I felt you would be most comfortable. Since I accepted control, I did not consider that I could communicate non-verbally with you to ask if you were comfortable.
Further, I realize now that just because I thought I should or could be response-able (my new spelling ) for your comfort level, does not mean this is true, especially from your perspective.
But since I am a kind person with a huge and open heart, and you sense this, you want to be kind to me and allow the controlling, so as not to hurt my feelings by refusing to move when I so direct you. All this as if you could or should be response-able for my feelings.
My strength in pushing against your boundaries found your permeability and before we both knew it, or even if we did know it, the merging of boundaries became confusing.
Surely, this could well be the initial stage of co-dependence.
I think that by bringing awareness to this inter-play of energies, the shadow side of co-dependence may be arrested, and given refuge in maître.
A decision I made during the process demonstrates, I believe, some recent growth in my own struggles with co-dependence.
I finally looked into the eyes of each, invited them one by one to stand close to the inner circle, then invited them to lower their eyes with me. We stood close enough to experience inter-connectedness, but within a refuge of stillness and individuality.
At least I recognized the futility of the situation as it was being played out, as well as the opportunity to stand together in connectedness in the moment, whether experiencing suffering or happiness.
I am thinking now about spontaneous co-arising in a new way; that manifest conditions are dependent on spontaneous co-arising, and consciousness, whether human or non-human evolves according to individual awareness of its contribution one way or another.
I call this a good start. Thank you, Naropa teachers, for offering me this opportunity.
